I don't want this divorce. 

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If your spouse is throwing out the divorce word, you’re in the right place.  But, this is a tough situation because it only takes one person to pursue divorce to end the marriage in our legal system.  

If he or she is low on hope for the marriage and really not interested in couples therapy as a way to figure out what to do next, Discernment Counseling is likely the best path for both of you. Many times a leaning-out spouse is pleased to find this type of service and will be open to attending one session. (We only commit to one session at a time. You both decide if you want to return.)

If your spouse is uninterested in Discernment Counseling, then you still have a lot of work you can do on yourself to improve your marriage. I will be glad to walk with you through these terribly stressful times in the hope that we can get your marriage to a point where your spouse is open to couples work.

Reflection points: 

Doing your best to save your marriage requires a lot of FOCUS and EMOTIONAL BALANCE.  Here are some ideas. Consider slowing down the divorce process especially if you spouse is having an affair or seems to be acting impulsively.  You can tell your spouse that you are moving slowly, not out of spite or anger but because you believe your marriage can still be saved.  Don't make things worse by making the mistakes that most people make in this situation.  

Avoid common mistake as all of these ways of acting burn bridges instead of restoring them: 

  • Don't scold your spouse for wanting the divorce as it just hardens their resolve.  

  • Don't beg or plead for another chance this just makes you seem desperate and unattractive as a mate.  

  • Don't complain to the children or use them to get your spouse to change his/her mind as this hurts the children and inflames the other spouse.  

 

Instead, here are some constructive things you can do.  

  • Let your partner know you understand the marriage has to be different and you are willing to do your part.

  • Get counseling for yourself with someone who would support your efforts to save your marriage.  

  • Behave like the best partner you can possibly be right now.  Be kind and thoughtful no matter how hurt you are feeling.  

  • When discussing the divorce use the skills of the Children In The Middle Program: Active Listening, I Message, Polite Request, Reframing, Stop, Look and Listen.  

 

We've seen marriages be saved when one person see's the impending divorce as a wake up call to change parts of themselves that need changing and then invites the other spouse to get help together.