Post 1: Understanding the Parent-Child Dynamic in Neurodiverse Relationships
Relationships take work, but when one or both partners are neurodivergent, there are unique challenges that aren’t always addressed in traditional relationship advice. One of the most common—and most damaging—patterns that can develop in neurodiverse relationships is the parent-child dynamic.
This happens when one partner (often the neurotypical one) unintentionally takes on the role of a caregiver, manager, or authority figure, while the other partner (often the neurodivergent one) becomes more passive, dependent, or resistant. Over time, this creates frustration, resentment, and even intimacy issues.
As a couples therapist specializing in discernment counseling, if you asked me what some of the most common struggles are in neurodiverse relationships, this issue ranks in the top five. I see it come up time and time again in my couples counseling, in my work with couples trying to decide whether to stay and rebuild or part ways, and in individual therapy when neurodivergent clients express frustration about how they feel perceived in their relationships.
Over the next five posts, we’re going to unpack this dynamic in-depth—why it happens, how it impacts both partners, and, most importantly, how to break the cycle and build a balanced, respectful partnership. If this dynamic sounds familiar, know that you are not alone, and change is possible.
Post 1: Understanding the Parent-Child Dynamic in Neurodiverse Relationships
Post 2: How the Parent-Child Dynamic Leads to Resentment & Burnout
Post 3: Shift the Dynamic - From Power Struggles to Partnership
Post 4: Emotional Triggers - How RSD & Shame Keep the Cycle Going
Post 5: Restoring Respect, Intimacy & Partnership
A Personal Note: I’ve Been There Too
I want to start this series with some honesty: I’ve struggled with this dynamic in my own relationship. And if I’m being even more honest, I still have moments where I catch myself slipping into old habits.
For a long time, I didn’t have the language to describe what was happening. I just knew that sometimes, I felt like I was doing all the planning, decision-making, and reminding. At the same time, my husband felt frustrated, overwhelmed, and misunderstood. Neither of us wanted this, but we didn’t know how to shift it.
When I finally understood the parent-child dynamic, it was like a lightbulb went off. It explained so many of the frustrations we both felt, but more importantly, it gave us the tools to start a real, intimate conversation about what we needed and how to create a more balanced relationship.
It wasn’t easy. These patterns run deep, and change takes time. But the effort was worth it. Now, we have a shared understanding of our tendencies, struggles, and strengths—and we actively work together to support each other in a way that feels healthy, not parental.
That’s why I’m writing this series. Because knowledge is power. And once you see the pattern for what it is, you can change it.
What Is the Parent-Child Dynamic?
The parent-child dynamic in relationships happens when one partner takes on more of the responsibility—whether that’s decision-making, emotional labor, planning, or household management—while the other partner becomes more passive, reliant, or avoids responsibility altogether.
It’s not intentional, and it’s not about one person “failing” the other. But when it happens, it creates an imbalance that leaves both people feeling frustrated and unseen.
Signs That Your Relationship Has Fallen Into This Dynamic:
✅ One partner makes most of the decisions while the other "goes along with it."
✅ One partner constantly reminds the other about responsibilities (bills, chores, appointments, etc.).
✅ There is frustration over one person feeling like they "carry the mental load" of the relationship.
✅ The neurodivergent partner avoids or procrastinates on important tasks, leading to nagging or micromanaging.
✅ One partner feels like they are “parenting” the other rather than being equals.
✅ Arguments happen when the “child” partner feels controlled or when the “parent” partner feels exhausted.
✅ Intimacy has suffered because the dynamic feels more like a caregiver relationship than a romantic one.
Does any of this sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone, and more importantly, you’re not stuck here.
Why Is This Dynamic So Common in Neurodiverse Relationships?
Neurodivergence brings incredible strengths to relationships—creativity, deep thinking, unique perspectives—but it can also create real challenges in the areas of executive functioning, emotional regulation, and communication. These challenges often contribute to the parent-child dynamic.
Key Factors That Contribute to This Pattern:
🧠 Executive Function Struggles: Many neurodivergent people struggle with organizing, planning, remembering tasks, and following through, leading the neurotypical partner to take over.
🔥 Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD): The neurodivergent partner may react strongly to criticism, making constructive feedback feel like an attack.
💡 Decision Fatigue: The neurotypical partner may get tired of making all the decisions, while the neurodivergent partner may struggle with initiating them.
⏳ Task Avoidance & Procrastination: Instead of addressing responsibilities directly, the neurodivergent partner may put them off, which can lead to frustration and micromanaging from their partner.
💬 Social & Emotional Processing Differences: The neurotypical partner may feel like they’re handling all the emotional labor, while the neurodivergent partner may struggle to communicate their needs.
🚫 Masking & Learned Helplessness: The neurodivergent partner may have internalized that they “can’t do things right” and withdraw from responsibility, reinforcing the cycle.
These patterns don’t happen overnight, but over time, they can turn a relationship from a partnership into an imbalance of power.
The Impact of This Dynamic on Both Partners
👩💼 For the "Parent" Partner:
Exhaustion from carrying the mental and emotional load.
Resentment from feeling like the only responsible adult.
Loss of attraction due to the caregiving dynamic.
Feeling unappreciated, leading to burnout.
👨🏽🎤 For the "Child" Partner:
Shame from feeling like they’re failing.
Frustration at feeling micromanaged.
Resistance to being controlled, leading to avoidance.
Lowered self-esteem from repeated reminders that they "can't" do things.
Over time, this can create deep disconnection in the relationship. But here’s the good news: YOU CAN CHANGE THIS.
Final Note: This Isn’t Just a Neurodivergent-Neurotypical Dynamic
While the typical presentation of this pattern is one neurodivergent and one neurotypical partner, that’s not always the case. Even in relationships where both partners are neurodivergent, this dynamic can still emerge—but it may look a little different.
In my own relationship, both my husband and I are neurodivergent, yet we still found ourselves slipping into a parent-child pattern at times. We are the same in some ways, but different in others. And because neurodivergence exists on a spectrum, it shows up uniquely for each person.
For example, one partner may struggle more with executive function, while the other may be more impacted by sensory sensitivities or emotional regulation challenges. These differences can still create an imbalance, even when both partners share similar neurotypes.
So if you’re reading this and thinking, But we’re both neurodivergent!, know that this concept still applies. The key isn’t whether one partner is neurotypical—it’s whether one person has taken on a managerial or parental role while the other has become more passive or dependent.
If that dynamic is there, you can shift it, no matter your neurotype. And that’s exactly what we’ll be diving into in the next post.
What’s Next? How to Shift from Parent-Child to True Partnership
This is just the beginning of the conversation. In the next post, we’ll be diving into the resentment and burnout this dynamic creates, and why it’s so important to shift the pattern before it causes deeper damage.
📌 Coming Up Next: How the Parent-Child Dynamic Leads to Resentment & Burnout
Reflection Questions:
📝 Have you ever felt like either the "parent" or the "child" in your relationship?
📝 How does this dynamic show up in your day-to-day life?
📝 What emotions come up for you when thinking about your relationship balance?
Additional Resources
ADHD Couples Palooza (https://adhdpalooza.com/couples-2/) - Wonderful self-paced webinars for neurodiverse relationships.
ADHD Marriage Webinars(https://www.adhdmarriage.com/) – Excellent insights into navigating ADHD and neurodiverse relationships.
Discernment Counseling at Traveling Light Counseling** – For couples unsure whether to repair their relationship or separate with clarity.
Couples Counseling at Traveling Light Counseling - For Couples wanting to heal, grow or level up their relationship.
Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS) who takes a holistic, neuroscience-based approach to mental health. She believes in empowering individuals to understand their emotions, behaviors, and well-being through a combination of psychology, nutrition, and sustainable health habits.
Through her counseling practice, Traveling Light Counseling, she provides concierge mental health services for neurodiverse individuals, couples, and those navigating emotional challenges. She also specializes in discernment counseling, helping couples explore whether to rebuild their relationship or part ways with clarity and compassion.
👉 If you recognized your relationship in this post, don’t panic. Awareness is the first step, and this series will help you untangle these patterns and rebuild your relationship with mutual respect and understanding.
And remember—you’re not alone in this. I’ve been there too. But with awareness, open conversations, and intentional shifts, you can break this cycle and create a relationship that feels good for both of you.