Relationship Accommodations for Neurodiverse Couples: Giving Each Other Permission to Be in Love as You Are

Yvette E. McDonald, LCSW-QS, CMNCS
3 days ago
4 min read

When we think of “accommodations,” most of us picture classrooms or workplaces. Extra time on a test, noise-canceling headphones at the office, or visual schedules on the wall. What we don’t think of nearly as often is how much accommodations matter in our closest relationships especially when one or both partners are neurodivergent.

This week, I was reminded of this in two completely different places. In session, I was working with a neurodiverse couple on processing differences and how to support each other through them. Then later, while homeschooling, my kids and I stumbled across a video from How to ADHD about relationship accommodations. It hit me: couples (realistically all relationships) need this conversation too.

So, let’s give ourselves and our partners something we often forget to offer

permission to be neurodiverse in love.

Why Relationship Accommodations Matter

Neurodiverse couples face challenges that aren’t about lack of love or effort, they’re about differences in processing, sensory experience, and executive functioning.

Without accommodations, these differences can spiral into resentment, shame, or burnout. But with accommodations, couples stop fighting against neurology and start building systems of support. It’s not about lowering expectations it’s about setting both partners up for success.

Think of accommodations as love in action:

“I see how your brain and body work, and I want to help you thrive.”

Common Areas for Relationship Accommodations

Here are some of the most common areas where I’ve seen (and lived) the need for accommodations:

Sensory Overload

Bright lights, background noise, scratchy clothes, sensory overwhelm is real. Couples can:

Choose quieter restaurants.
Keep noise-canceling headphones handy.
Create a sensory retreat space at home.

Meltdowns & Shutdowns

Overwhelm can look like an explosion or going completely quiet. Agreeing on a plan in advance helps:

A code word or phrase to signal “I need space.”
Time-outs without blame or punishment.
Reconnecting once both partners are regulated.

Communication Differences

Sometimes one partner processes quickly and talks fast, while the other needs more time. Accommodations might look like:

Using written notes or texts for clarity.
Slowing down conversations.
Checking in: “Do you need more time to think?”

Executive Function Challenges

Forgetfulness, procrastination, or task paralysis can create tension. Couples can:

Share calendars and reminders.
Divide tasks by strengths.
Build routines together.

Rejection Sensitivity

For partners with rejection sensitivity, even small feedback can sting. Accommodations include:

Starting with reassurance (“I love you, and…”).
Separating critique from identity.
Choosing calm moments for harder conversations.

Demand Avoidance

Direct demands can trigger shutdown. A softer approach might be:

“Would you like to…” instead of “You need to…”
Offering choices.
Allowing flexible timelines when possible.

Conflict Management

Instead of pushing through fights, couples can:

Pause when dysregulated.
Use scripts or written exchanges when needed.
Come back after nervous system reset.

Shutdown, Dissociation, & Burnout

Sometimes one partner goes offline completely. Accommodations here may look like:

Building in recovery time after stress.
Learning grounding strategies together.
Recognizing signs early and responding with compassion.

Social Needs Differences

One partner may be energized by socializing, the other drained. Couples can:

Negotiate frequency of events.
Create “exit strategies.”
Respect solo recharge time.

Intimacy & Affection

Different needs around touch, sex, and closeness are common. Accommodations may involve:

Asking before touch.
Scheduling intimacy when both are regulated.
Finding non-sexual ways to connect.

Misophonia

For some partners, certain sounds: chewing, pen clicking, repetitive noises can trigger intense irritation or even panic. Accommodations may include:

Agreeing on “sound-safe” spaces or times.
Using background noise (music, white noise) to soften triggers.
Respecting requests to reduce specific sounds without shaming.

Alexithymia (Difficulty Identifying & Expressing Emotions)

One partner may struggle to name what they feel or communicate emotions in real-time. Accommodations here might look like:

Allowing extra processing time before discussing feelings.
Using emotion charts, journals, or apps as supports.
Practicing patience when emotional expression doesn’t come easily.

How to Create Accommodations Together

Think of this as a living process, not a one-time agreement. Here’s a simple framework:

Notice patterns: Where do you keep hitting the same wall?
Name the need: Without judgment, explain what happens for you.
Brainstorm accommodations: Ask, “What would help in this moment?”
Experiment: Try it for a week or two. Adjust if needed.
Review regularly: Needs may shift with stress, work, health, or life stage.

Accommodations aren’t about “fixing” a partner, they’re about recognizing that love grows when we work with, not against, each other’s brains and bodies.

It’s not indulgence. It’s not weakness. It’s partnership.

When neurodiverse couples normalize accommodations, they move from survival mode into deeper connection and teamwork. And in doing so, they give each other one of the greatest gifts: permission to be fully themselves, permission to be neurodiverse in love.

Sometimes we just need permission and a plan. This Couples Accommodations Worksheet is designed to give you both space to identify your needs, brainstorm supports, and keep giving each other permission to be neurodiverse in love.

[Download the Worksheet Here »]

Reflection & Action Steps

Journaling Prompt: What is one area of your relationship where you wish you had more support? What would it look like if your partner accommodated that need?
Couples Exercise: Each of you write down your top three needs, then swap lists. Together, brainstorm at least one accommodation for each need.
Resource to Explore: Jessica McCabe’s How to ADHD video on relationship accommodations is a great starting point.

Yvette is a psychotherapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist (CMNCS) who takes a holistic, neuroscience-based approach to mental health. She believes in empowering individuals and couples to understand their emotions, behaviors, and well-being through a combination of psychology, nutrition, and sustainable health habits. Through her counseling practice, Traveling Light Counseling, she provides concierge mental health services for neurodiverse individuals, couples, and those seeking emotional growth. Looking for more support? Learn more at Traveling Light Counseling.